Today reminds me of a day a year ago, when I felt I would be abandoned because I was with a man who was unwilling to change, and I felt imperfect, a man who refused to help cover my jagged points while I cut myself on his. Whether or not it rains today and makes me clean again, today I will learn how to make myself softer so I have sympathy,instead of hatred, for those that I’ve loved who’ve hurt me yet not soft enough so the memories tear me apart every second. I think that’s the only thing that will make the thought or remembrance of any existence resonate out, like the last note of a song.

Third time to see them and as usual, they were amazing.  Their music has always been a source of empowerment and uplifting for me so their appearance in Arizona couldn’t have come at a more crucial time in my life where I’m at this certain crossroads where letting go seems impossible and like death but holding on is killing me anyway.  After my reset three weeks ago, I think I’m moving forward again and I’m glad for this.  I just feel better, regardless of the emptiness, I feel better somehow.  I’m finally tired of this, being with an awesome guy for long term then finding out all along that he was really a liar and a fake.  It’s not the first time it’s happened but hopefully it will be the last.  Whether the concert was a catalyst of some sort or something I just needed, something non-related and only mine, things are looking better without him.

I’m making mini-raviolis. .. Yes.. out of a can.  I feel like crap right now.  I don’t know if I’m getting the flu or what.  I have to go to the doctor again.  I’m feeling cancerous.  Joy.  My dad leaves tomorrow but I think we all had a good time on Sunday at my brother’s house in Tucson.  Lots of family, fun, and food.  The awesome three Fs.

I don’t have time to go in depth with anything right now.  I believe I’m dehydrated and my lips are all dried out right now.  It’s kind of nasty.  :O

In a relationship, love isn’t enough if the person is a douchebag.  The end.

..until I no longer feel the urge to hurt someone who has hurt me first.  While I am unsure of his intentions, I feel like I’ve been stabbed through the heart and there’s nothing I can do to stop the bleeding but figuratively stabbing him back in heart would make me feel better.  Then it makes me feel horrible to think that something like that is all that will ease this pain.

The nights I couldn’t sleep, I spent singing little children’s songs in my head, the ones my mom used to sing to me when I was a baby, the ones the little ones sang in church and that’s what’s helped me plug up the stupid spiget that pisses pain all over me in the form of beautiful and then ugly memories.

In his passing, I have found that there was something tragically wrong with “us” and that only makes me mourn for time wasted.  Regardless, I’m feeling a lot better now.  I think.  We’ll see.

Just sitting around enjoying my last day off before the work week starts again.  My dad’ll be here Wednesday and from there everything is madness for the next month or so.  My dad’ll be here, Silverstein concert is coming up, the COLD concert is coming up and then I have finals and then two more classes start.  Not to mention all of the things in between.  woohoo.  I love being this busy!! I was going to rant about something but I lost the rage to do it.  I will not rage in this post. Instead.. I’ll go back to working on the final touches of the website.. RAGE NO MORE!

Now I can post on my website and have it post to my livejournal instead of going back and forth like a crazy person. YAY.

My dreams have consisted of bloody murder, torture, lack of humanity…such as children making friends with only people they want to see die.  I don’t believe before a couple nights ago I dreamt of someone being caught on fire while hanging from a tree.

While that may be disturbing,  what is more disturbing is the filthy dream I had about making out with this utter piece of scum.  Seriously.  I’d rather swallow glass mixed with feces than ever do that in real life.

Now I am watching When A Stranger Calls, the original one of course.  Let’s face it, the remake sucked donkey balls.

A video of Rocket trying to kill me:

You can go to youtube.com and felisays is where all my other cat videos are.  YES CAT VIDEOS.  I have VIDEOS of my CATS!  I’m definitely not like other girls.  I don’t take strip tease videos.  Lame.  Cat videos are so much more entertaining and less likely to cause blue balls.

So I am watching Don’t Look In The Basement.  Since about a year ago, I’ve stopped being so into horror films and all of that.  They are no longer interesting.  These campy ones, however, from the seventies and eighties, really grab my attention especially when it’s either watch them or clean my room.

Interruption:WTF

Every year, well about every year, I go through a phase where I start hacking off connections to people like one would hack off limbs.  Useless limbs.  I group people into the following categories:

- Entertaining with a group
- Entertaining with a group but too much drama
- Too much drama (Melodramatic)
- Trustworthy and Loyal
- Whiny
- Pain in the Ass
- Impending Bad Intentions
- Friend Gone Acquaintance

While it hurts to remove some of these people, it’s for the best.  it’s like a kid whining about a tattered old blanket.  It’s a bitch to wash and it really provides no warmth.  Plus the dog likes to pee on it.  Get rid of it, it’s useless.

I have my close, lovely and lovable friends who I’d do practically anything for and those are the same people who have been there for me through the thickest bullshit imaginable, no matter how far the drive or how mutilated the body.  (Metaphors mostly.)

Now, you don’t walk up to such people and say, “Hey you thought we were friends right?  Well fuck you and enjoy the rest of your life.”  The FELI approach is to just stop trying, stop caring, and let it go.  Of course, I can never really let go of anything.  Once I know another human being, I am apt to care on some level, even if it’s only to the extent of not wishing him or her bodily harm and wishing them a happy life.  There is probably only one person I would tell to go to hell if he asked for help.  Possibly two.  With all of that said, I renounce several “friendships” and move on with my life.

Something that has actually come up a lot is the idea that I am “evil.”  Exes and ex-friends alike prefer this description and I find it completely inaccurate.  For once, it would be nice to remember for all of the good I’ve done instead of the minor bad I’ve committed.  Morons.

Back to working on the site.

Weeks have been flipped.  D has a new schedule, new position, and this has caused a new arrangement of homework assignments as well as relationship time.  I also signed up for two more classes and I’ll be signing up for a new one soon.  My weekend has consisted of registering for more classes and taking D lunch at work.  Mostly I’ve been sitting around watching Rod Sterling’s Night Gallery.  The kiddo has been down a week and DAMN does she have a foul mouth.  I am tolerant, as much as I can be anyway, because I was a loud mouth when I was about that age.  I said all kinds of rude things to teachers, parents, the principal.  Merrily, merrily..

I need a vacation.